NOTE: This post is a little long but I didn't want to split up the sections into separate posts. This is one of the most personal things I have ever posted. Please believe me that this is not simply finger-pointing. It is my own struggle to work through what Christian community is all about and what it means to bring the Gospel into the world.Some BackgroundWith the recent controversy concerning Ted Haggard storming in the media, I have been reflecting quite a bit on issues surrounding accountability, discipleship, and personal holiness. Many people around the blogosphere have raised great points about pastoral care and accountability for those in leadership and teaching positions. Of course this is critical (and all too often absent). Such accountability and discipleship are equally as important for lay people. In either case, what it boils down to, in many ways, is whether a church body is willing to love a brother or sister in spite of their sins and through their sins in a way that preaches forgiveness and the need to live a lifestyle of repentance. The sad fact is this is rare. Thinking about these things forced me to think about an ongoing situation in my life that I feel is related to these issues. It is the story of Randy (not his real name). Before I get into his story let me give you some of my background that will answer a lot of questions as to why I am thinking about this in this manner.
I grew up in small denominational Baptist churches. These were not SBC, but a smaller, fundamental sort. The particular denomination is not really important. But from the time I can remember, I went to church. There were so many good things about these churches. The people were generally very nice and down to earth. The food was great when we had dinner on the ground. Music was important in these churches. The flavor of choice was gospel hymns/songs. Mainly the ones wrote in the 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s that are generally either evangelizing or about heaven. There was, of course, an altar call each Sunday accompanied by one of theses said gospel songs. Nothing unusual here. If you grew in the American Southeast in a rural area, you can likely relate very well. As is often the case, in my opinion, this altar-call experience reigned supreme. No one will stand up and call it necessary for salvation but if you don’t have it, you are suspect. If you have any problems or sin your life you need it—even if you have already had it once, or twice, or more. So I grew up seeing this and living it. I grew seeing that when people strayed or sinned or whatever they were pushed back toward church attendance and the altar. That was the answer. While these churches did teach that one could make a shipwreck out of one’s salvation, the general answer to these situations was that so-and-so didn’t really “get it”. Maybe got it in the head but not the heart. This was final. The one exception was the pastor. Pastors could and did visit and encourage people. I did not, personally, see examples to the contrary. You can hopefully now see how growing up with this and then later learning and reading about Christian community in other traditions would cause one to dwell on discipleship issues. Before going further let me say that this is not a total slam on the churches I grew up in. They are full of believers. They do a lot and stand for a lot that is good.
Okay, up to present day. After a journey of sorts across five years that led me away from these roots and into learning more about the history of the church of Jesus, I find myself somewhat aligned with a similar church. I am not a member and it is not the church body I call home but I attended semi-regularly. There are a lot of great people there. It is independent and differs doctrinally but not practically from the churches I grew up in. Enter Randy. Randy and someone in my extended family staged an ill-advised Las Vegas wedding about two or three years ago. At the time she knew that he had problems with alcohol and cocaine. No one else knew or if they did, they didn’t tell me. Then began the roller-coaster of being sober, falling down, kicking his wife out of the house, wanting a divorce, making up, and so on. Randy has the capacity to make a fine living but his finances crumbled and he has been on the borderline of legal problems bankruptcy for some time. During all of this many people hoped Randy would “go to church”. Eventually, he did. He and his wife went to the church I mentioned. They would go semi-regularly. Randy’s in-laws were happy that he was “in church”. The pastor because of his relationship with Randy’s in-laws knew a lot about his situation. He knew what Randy was fighting.
Going ForwardOne Sunday things were a little different. After the sermon, during the invitation song Randy went forward to the altar to “accept Christ” or whatever term you prefer. I was not there that Sunday. I can say with a high level of confidence that I believe Randy heard the Gospel in that sermon. Almost every Sunday I have been there, the Gospel is preached. I don’t know the conversation that went on between the pastor and Randy. I don’t know for certain how the congregants interacted with him. But really, I do know. It was all or nothing. Randy had come forward. He had prayed the prayer. He was in. The Lord would deliver him from all his woes IF what he had just done was genuine. And that is where almost everyone left the situation.
Randy came back to the church semi-regularly. He was not baptized. I don’t know if anyone asked him to be or explained to him why he would want to be. Within a few weeks, he was a little dissatisfied with the church. This or that didn’t sit well with him and so-and-so talks so much about drug addiction. Excuses, but that’s what he said. It was not a huge surprise to me when he stopped attending. It was not a huge surprise to me when he fell off the wagon, again. Disappearing from home for a few days at a time. Spending money that wasn’t there. You know the story. Now, Randy is a grown man and he stands responsible for all his decisions. But at the time one thing weighed heavy on my mind—what has anyone from the church where he was “saved” done or said to him since he has fallen back into the habits of addiction? I am sure that my tone and wording so far have given away the answer—Nothing. Not one word about coke or alcohol. Not one question about it. Nothing. Even after he made yet another white-knuckle attempt at sobriety and attended church again, there were no questions. Randy’s wife even asked some men (one of whom is her family member) that do weekly door-to-door cold call evangelism and some visitation to come talk with Randy. It just wouldn’t work. Couldn’t do it for this reason and that. Nothing.
Why is it like this? This is not a church for only beautiful people. There are a variety of socioeconomic classes, a variety of races, a variety of backgrounds represented there. There are people there with real problems. The church reaches out to people in the jail and to mentally handicapped people. But not really to their own, well sometimes. Why? In my opinion it is because the altar call reigns supreme and there is no room for being in a battle with open, ugly sin like addictions. If you really “get it” then you are delivered. Even if it took you 25 years to get yourself in your present condition, one trip forward guarantees results. See, to go and counsel someone and to love them in their sin would be to question the system. You might have to admit that this person is a follower of Jesus and is just really screwed up. You might have to admit that what he needs is not another trip to the altar but the love and support of the body as he wars against sin. But that doesn’t fit well. It does not reconcile with “just a little talk with Jesus will make it right”. So the best fit is to say that folks like Randy didn’t get it and that they need, you’re ahead of me on this I know, to get back into church. And on we go. My little side notes are making this longer but I need to insert another one. I am not entirely convinced that Randy believes the Gospel. I don’t know his heart, so I can’t know. I also know that he does not speak or act like repentance is anywhere on his radar and he refuses to admit his problems. But if you believe that going to the altar and praying gets you in then you have to treat him as brother and I haven’t seen that.
Where We Are Now
Since the time of his altar experience, life has been a roller coaster for Randy and his wife. Up and down with each down being nearer and nearer to either death or all out financial ruin. I went and talked with him about nine months ago. I offered my help and admitted I didn’t know what it would be. I told him I knew he had gone to church but if wanted to seriously talk about what it means to follow Christ that I wanted to talk with him about it. You know his response, “Yeah, that would be good sometime. Right now I just need to get my self together. If I can just get my thoughts and work straightened out then I can work on other stuff. But I do appreciate it.” I believe he did. I now see Randy regularly. We share meals. I talked to him this week after a binge. I told him he was killing himself. He agreed. He also said that he could drop the drugs and alcohol anytime he wanted. I asked him why he hadn’t. He said he had never really wanted to. (This will be familiar to anyone who has seen someone go through this.) I said that if he wanted help with the substance abuse I would find him that help. All he has to do is say the word. Cue the tape from nine months ago and play the response.
My heart breaks for Randy. I have lost sleep over him. Partly because of the human pain he is in and partly because I am somewhat connected to the church that has let him down. My wife and I talk about the situation. We ask each other, ‘where is the power of the Gospel here?’, ‘how do we show him Christ’s love and be honest with him?’. I don’t have a lot of answers.
Randy and his wife are in a new church now. A few weeks ago when Randy fell on his face again and then felt awful and swore it all off again, he said he talked to his new pastor. I have to say “said” because Randy lies often. But according to Randy, the pastor told him that the best thing we can do is learn from our mistakes and wished him well. I don’t know if that is true but I am inclined to believe it. I believe it because Randy and his wife “tithe” at this church. They are open about it. Randy told me it was the reason that his financing were straightening up. I attended this church once. Randy didn’t go with us that day. There was more talk and instruction given before passing the coffers than before passing the bread and wine. Maybe this is too harsh. I won’t explicitly connect the dots but they are there. I also learned that it is my words that “enact the power of the blood of Jesus” but I cannot get into that now.
So here’s Randy with his altar call experience behind him stuck neck-deep in addiction and lies and he also awash in sea of misguided evangelism and revivalism. I want to say again—No church or pastor is responsible for Randy’s addictions or choices. He is. He stands accountable. But my heart breaks at the thought of him going to two churches and coming away empty. My heart breaks for him that on Sunday morning “while the music plays” he was a brother and good guy but on Wednesday when rents a hotel room and snorts $1,000 he is something else. All or nothing. Get it or don’t. God have mercy on us.
Pray for Randy. Pray for me. I don’t feel at all innocent in this and I don’t have answers. I do know that Jesus is the answer. He is the answer for me, for addicts, for everyone. I just want to be able to live that out and preach it in words and deeds so that Randy can. Pray that God might open his ears and eyes and that the Good Shepherd would so inclined to walk out among the cliffs and briars and pick him and bring him into the fold.
